I feel bleh. Not even blah.

Because I’m outlining training sessions that are really technical (html, css, photoshop, video editing), I’ve been in techie mode lately. I like techie mode. I feel smart in techie mode. But after lunch today, I had to shift into half techie/half writing teacher mode and I felt less smart. I just felt out of my element. Would I feel more in my element if I had those three letters after my name? I don’t think so. I felt out of my element the whole time I was working on the diss. Like I didn’t know what I was doing. Today, I began expounding about all the cool technical things we could do and then was asked where the substance was. Is there substance to technology? Or is it just a medium? A tool?

The more I’m involved in technology, the more I realize that I think differently than a lot of people. And I think that some of those people see my way of thinking as not just different, but not as good. I really want to read that Steven Johnson book. I think it will make me feel better. There was an interview with him on NPR this morning and the interviewer asked him about multitasking and Johnson said basically, “You’re missing the point. I’m talking about complexity of networks, complexity of the connections between things, not the ability to IM and email and watch tv at the same time.” And that’s the way I think–connectedly. I drove people crazy in school because I would interject something seemingly random into discussion; I always showed how it connected though. During my master’s exams, I tried to find a way to connect everything we read to Gawain and the Green Knight. I like that exercise of figuring out how things, people, places connect.

I’m hating the book I’m reading because it’s not about these connections; it’s about business. It’s very business-like. I do not want to function like a business (at least not the one depicted in the book).

I just feel bleh.